2012: SERIOUS Disaster Porn

I ended up getting 4 free passes for "2012" from a local radio station, so we went on Saturday night.

My impression:

1. The sequence of Los Angeles breaking up and sliding into the Ocean will end up with the "Ben-Hur" chariot race as one of those scenes you'll repeat over and over again. If for nothing else, but the sheer joy of watching Los Angeles get what it has SO richly deserved over the years. My only regret: no images of Barbara Streisand's Malibu mansion breaking up and sinking. . . .

2. Leave your brain at home. Trust me, any IQ over room temperature will find the plot holes large enough to sail the entire Sixth Fleet through. A few examples:

(1) For starters, there is some shift in physics, that suddenly neutrinos are a LOT more interactive with matter (but only in the Earth's Core), AND there are a lot more of them.

Of course, if you continue the logic, lots more neutrinos would require lots more solar activity. Which would be fairly obvious, as we're talking enough to cause a change in color and class of the Sun. . . and fry us all quite obviously, before the crust would even BEGIN to soften. . .

(2) ALL of the governments of the world are keeping the secret, with no leaks that aren't sealed by a crack team of assassins BEFORE they leak. I guess nobody thought of the possibility of suddenly blurting it out during a SCHEDULED media appearance. . .

(3) Tsunamis with hundreds, even THOUSANDS of feet of waves in mid-ocean. Uh, Tsunamis are a foot or three in mid-ocean, it's the SHALLOWS where they get massive and destructive. . .

(3A) Tsunamis large enough to carry an Aircraft Carrier ALL the way from the open Ocean to Washington DC. . .and yet stable enough to leave ALL the aircraft on the flight deck until JUST before the carrier and the Tsunami flatten the White House. . .

(3B) Tsunamis large enough to SWAMP THE HIMALAYAS. Sorry, but you generally need a dinosaur killer for a wave THAT high, and they tend to be a LOT hotter. . .

Those, and more, are enough to sustain a special-effects extravaganza for the first 90 or so minutes. But this monstrosity clocks in at nearly 2 1/2 hours. . .

You see, despite Surviving the Sinking of LA, the Cratering of Las Vegas, and somehow finding an AN-224 at McCarran in Vegas. . . we still have to see a human story of our plucky survivors. For another Hour

Our survivor heroes: Failed SF writers and Limo Driver John Cusack. His ex-wife, devoted daughter, and jaded son. His ex-wife's nerdy Plastic Surgeon Boyfriend. The Russian Plutocrat that Cusack drives for, his two fat sons, his trophy concubine, her yappie dog, and the Plutocrat's steely-jawed Blonde Pilot (who, from first appearance, has "REDSHIRT" written all over him). Who meet a Buddhist Monk, his aged parents, and his brother who is working on the Ark project, apparently because he can read and write. . .

They make it to the UNDERGROUND MOUNTAIN CAVERNS where the Arks are being built. It seems that the brother of the Monk has a Cunning Plan. Which was a bummer: I was expecting John Cusack to stand in front of one of the Arks, with a boom-box playing a Peter Gabriel song until they left him in. . . .

Which leads us to the Plot Holes in the SECOND half of the flick. Seems one of the Arks was damaged by the ceiling caving in on top of it. HELLO ? You're building ships to survive the end of the world, and you built them in UNDERGROUND CAVERNS ????? Which had to be EXCAVATED AND BUILT OUT, FIRST ??? Now, barring the convenient demise of a bald megalomaniac with a Nehru Jacket and a cat, giving you access to an underground base, why would you do that.

For that matter, why are ALL the Arks being built in one spot ? Would not several locations be more survivable ? I'm sure we could have built one out in, say, Area 51, where nobody would have seen. . .

And then, there were the Arks themselves. Have the builders forgotten the first rule of Naval Architecture: WATER-TIGHT-COMPARTMENTS ??

To top it off, the biggest stinker of them all: the interlock between a DOOR and MANUEVERING ENGINES. Let me get this straight: unless all doors are fully shut, the ENGINE WILL NOT TURN ON ????

OK, it was fun to watch. Just remember, leave your brain outside the theater. . .